So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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