I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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