we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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