Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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