The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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