Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
