Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
