My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
