on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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