Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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