you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
