if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
