well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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