I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
