tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
