dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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