I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
