I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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