How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize