Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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