she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
