Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
