I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
