You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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