Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
