I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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