Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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