i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
