my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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