i wish my penis had a tongue
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
