sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
