this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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