"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
