Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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