I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
