Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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