He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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