haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
