why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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