I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
