Betty ford says i'm here all night
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
