I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
