im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize