i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
