Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
