That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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