Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
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