i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just forgot I was standing up.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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