So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
there's paper in my vomit.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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