I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
