k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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