just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
