if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
if only i could text you this smell
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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