My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
