my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
My breath smells like gin and sadness
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize