He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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