She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I would ride that face into the sunset
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
