Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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