he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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