If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize