everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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