oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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