one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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