I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
