i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Actions speak louder than pants.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
