Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
