i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
