He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
