the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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