mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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