best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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