Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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